This article might be a tad bit controversial to those with no sense of humor. If the subject matter
sounds offensive, then stop reading now!
In the year 47 AD (after draw), these
Commandments of Low Limit Holdem were brought down from Mt. Borgata, and shall be considered law in any card room East of Las Vegas. The
California card rooms have their own unique Commandments that no one pays any attention to.
1: The King of Spades is the Lord and God of the deck. Thou shalt have no other Kings before him. Thou shalt worship him openly with a
joyous heart, but should fold him in early position if his partner is anything other than a King, Queen, or Ace.
2: Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain after slow-playing AA against the blinds and losing when T5 makes 2 pair.
The Lord helps those who raise.
3: Remember thou keep the 7th hand holy. God did create the heavens and the Earth in 6 days and rested on the 7th. Thou shalt honor him
by folding pre-flop every 7th hand whether thou wisheth to or not.
4: Honor thy early position raise and late position re-raise by folding suited A6. Thou art 30:1 to flopeth a flush, and will surely go
broke chasing against two aggressive players.
5: Thou shalt not play kill pot games. If though wisheth to play those limits, thou art commanded to sit at that table they’re offered.
6: Thou shalt not kill thy action by giving lessons at the poker table. The Lord thy God handeth out talent and intuition to those he
wisheth to rake big pots. If the Lord wanted everyone to be successful he’d have madeth the cards transparent.
7: Thou shalt not try to stealeth from the big blind
without a big hand in a $5/$10 limit game.
8: Thou shalt not bear false witness against thine dealer. God has made dealers and players equal, and thus if the dealer makes an error
in your favor, you are henceforth commanded to inform them of such. The Lord thy God doles out karma unto transgressors with a smile and
a gleam in his eye.
9: Thou shalt not covet they neighbors chip stack. Wait, yes you should. Nevermind.
10: Thou shalt never mix poker and alcohol. God gave man the ability to reason and analyze, and he will punish those who mock him by
purposely diminishing those abilities.
You can’t have 10 Commandments without 10 Punishments, right?
The 10 Punishments:
1: He that sacrificeth thy bankroll unto any pot, save unto the cooler only, he shall be utterly destroyed.
2: And he that blasphemeth the name of the Lord upon being sucked out upon, he shall surely be damned to play Crazy Pineapple for all eternity.
3: Whosoever doeth not fold the Sabbath hand, he shall surely loseth thy bankroll.
4: He that smiteth his dealer or his cardroom manager, shall be surely put to death.
5: He that curseth his fellow player, shall surely become the player he curseth.
6: Whosoever lieth with non-connecting suited cards that aren’t paint shall surely looseth thy bankroll.
7: If a man lieth with mankind in collusion at the poker table, that man shall surely be exiled to the Pai Gow table.
8: And the man that committeth thy chips with bottom pair on a coordinated board shall sacrifice his bankroll.
9: He that believeth not in Harrington, shall be damned.
10: And now, O ye players, this commandment is for you. If you will not hear, and if ye will not lay it to heart to give glory to thy game, ... behold, I
will corrupt your draw, and spread raises upon your big blind.